It was a typical day for Kevin Shapiro, Boy Orphan: He pretended to leave his foster home for school, but instead hid out in a cardboard box located in a small 10 foot by 18 foot piece of undeveloped land behind the LAY-Z-MART recliner emporium. He could fit comfortably in the discarded recliner box, among the golden yellow weeds that have overgrown in this miniature vacant lot. Feeling a little hungry, he decided to go to the nearby Food-Barn Grocery. He bought a Black Belt Magazine and shoplifted a box of red vines. He returned to his box, and looked over the ads for nun-chucks and ninja-stars while chomping on his stolen red vines. About half-way through the box of licorice, a car drove through the alley behind the LAY-Z-MART. The driver slowed down, and looked at Kevin with mouth agape. Kevin thought it might have been his gym teacher, but actually attending school so rarely, he wasn't sure. If it was his gym teacher, he probably had the same amount of trouble at placing the oft-absent Kevin Shapiro. Kevin put on his 'defiant face' and just stared the possibly ersatz gym teacher until he drove off shaking his head.
“Well, time to get on with the day,” thought Kevin, “before Mr. Mann drops the dime and tells the truant officer where to find me.” Kevin made his way to a different alley, on the way stopping just long enough to snatch an old lady's purse. Arriving at the alley, he met Grant Wellington, a drug dealer of low repute. Finding that the old lady Kevin stole the purse from was five dollars short of his favorite high, Kevin beat up Grant and took all his merchandise. Chuckling to himself, he was blissfully unaware of his surroundings as he stepped off the curb and was hit by the vehicle driving well above the speed limit.
Kevin Shapiro, Boy Orphan did not die.
The vehicle that hit Kevin was a 1950 Pontiac Ambulance. Though it was short on lifesaving equipment, but there was oxygen and horizontal transport to the hospital run by High Lamas of the Silly Hat order. The doctors and nurses did all they could for Kevin (all the while, wearing silly hats, but not so silly as to impede the practice of medicine), but after 3 surgeries, there was nothing else to be done than to wait and see if he ever woke from his coma.
While in his Coma, Kevin Shapiro, Boy Orphan found his consciousness to reside in a spiritual representation of a fast food restaurant. He was the only customer in the place, and the food was free. He ate many a pickle-burger, and drank many a Kroka-Kola. Those working at the fast food restaurant were an eclectic crew. A bearded man with long hair ran the front counter. A fat man with a serene smile ran the soda machine. The cook wore her long hair in a net, and efficiently ran the grill with her six arms. There were many others that would come and go, all seeming to have an inner-light that would illuminate them from within. Each in their turn, would sit with Kevin while on their break, drink a soda with him, and impart him with a little wisdom. Over time, Kevin became very wise. And becoming wise, he desired to do good in the world.
Kevin Shapiro, Man Orphan woke up.
Kevin found that he had been in a coma for 15 years. No longer a boy, but a man. A man who had been taught by the wisest fast-food workers in the universe for a decade and a half. Kevin was a wise and good man.
The following months were torture for the enlightened and awoken Kevin Shapiro. All of his muscles had atrophied, and he had to learn to use them again. He had to learn how to walk, how to talk, how to feed himself. The day he went to the bathroom standing up for the first time, he was awarded a silly hat of his very own.
During the months of rehabilitation, he had won the hearts of all those who worked at the hospital, from the top surgeon, to the graveyard shift janitor. His tireless work at his own rehabilitation, and the meditation sessions he ran three times a week impressed many. Kevin Shapiro, Man Orphan was a friend to all he encountered.
Kevin's story was shown on the local news, and the man who now ran the Orphanage that Kevin was abandoned nearly 30 years before offered him a job working with the orphans there as a chaplain and counselor. Overjoyed at the news to help others, Kevin doubled his already tremendous effort to get better, and get to work.
The day Kevin Shapiro, Man Orphan left the hospital, there was much crying and smiling and waving. Kevin was presented so many flowers and balloons he had trouble carrying them all. As he reached the curb, he turned to wave to those wishing him well, and losing his balance fell into the street where he was hit by a vehicle going well above the speed limit.
Kevin Shapiro, Man Orphan died.